This passage comes from the second half of TEACHER TATTLETALES AND OTHER SOUTHERN SHENANIGANS…which are all fictional school related shenanigans as opposed to the first half, the tattletales, which are humorous non-fiction.

As a past member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, I think it is wonderful that they provide college scholarships and grants to those who have submitted their need for help in chosen future endeavors.

Here is a sample request. Rather long but evokes a smile in every paragraph by the applicant.

Dear Daughters of the American Revolution Scholarship/Grant Committee,

I am very excited for this opportunity to apply for your scholarship or grant given to students who decide on interesting career paths and need monetary help. Should I receive an offer, it will fulfill a desire to improve where I work now and it will help with my training and education.

Currently I work at the Standing Room Only movie theater on Skate-or-Bowl Road, next to the Skate-or-Bowl Complex. I am sure you have been there to see afternoon movies at our reduced price. Why would someone of your age pay full price? And also why would you go at night when you have to drive home, possibly alone, and find yourself walking into an empty, dark house? The afternoon prices are the best, don’t you think? Especially if you are a Senior Citizen like I am sure most of you are.

My current job is working behind the food counter. I get to be with food and customers all day and I love it! But I’d like to get ahead and become something more. No, not selling tickets behind the glass booth, not a greeter pointing people to their movie theater destination, and not even a theater manager. My chosen field is something you’d see every time you might take in a movie at Standing Room Only or any other movie theater. And I guess you hadn’t even thought of it at all.

My dream job is to be Cheese Sprayer!

What is a Cheese Sprayer, you ask? It’s a person who sprays cheese or butter by hand on popcorn. And since it is by hand, it takes skill. Out local community college is offering a certificate for this chosen profession. But it costs money that I don’t have.

I just love popcorn, don’t you? You’ve seen those big bags at your local grocery store on the end caps of the aisle. The popcorn comes in two flavors: buttered and cheese. It just never occurred to you, did it, that a specially skilled artisan is behind all that flavor!

I am sure now, you appreciate what goes behind that delicious popcorn flavor you like either in the movie theater or your own local grocery store. It takes a specially certified popcorn technician to carefully spray that great flavor evenly on each popped kernel. And I am just the gal to do it.

Should I receive the scholarship or grant, come by the theater sometime during the day when it’s less crowded and should you see me behind the counter, please introduce yourself and I’ll sneak you a small bag of popcorn and you can even choose your flavor!

In advance, thank you for any help you might bestow.

Sincerely,

Barbie Kew

P.S. A cheese sprayer IS a real job.